Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
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*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
yeet
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.