Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*