Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
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Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
This is a bad sign
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Our lord and savoury.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.