Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I have written yet another poem about laundry
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Finally!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.