Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
You Might Also Like
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
i actually laughed 😩
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.