Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer