Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.