Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]