Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill