Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.