Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”