Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
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[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you