Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Not my job 😂
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.