Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson