Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
So Hamburger help me, God
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I am having an out of money experience.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My biological clock is wheezing.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever