Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Facebook memories be like
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Good morning.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Breaking news:
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.