Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted