Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
You can’t rush stupid.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Midwest trash talk
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
thanksgiving in nutshell