Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.