Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
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Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.