Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
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[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Noah
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.