Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*