Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
mood
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.