Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.