Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
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When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Time for evil
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.