Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
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Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting