Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.