Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
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I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
crying
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?