Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too