Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
You wish you had this many chins.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??