Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
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I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.