Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.