Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.