Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”