Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Aight bet
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
They’re not wrong
