Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12