Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

i was baptized in a car wash

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣