Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing