Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks