Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.