Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

gm

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

We’re all getting idioter.

😂

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.