Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

the best thing i’ve ever made

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

Emma is smarter than all of us.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.