INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
You Might Also Like
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot