Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.