Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
estão todos miauvindo?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
True story 🤣
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you