Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I’m not lazy
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Hear me out: his and hers houses.