Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I’d hang this in my house.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Hank is one in a melon.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.