Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.