Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.