Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!