Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
These are too funny not to post 😂
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The best shot in the history of golf
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.