Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

A short story of betrayal:

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick