Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
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homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.