Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault