Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

Do one person every day that scares you.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

(Jupiter –

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.