Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.