Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

He died doing what he loved: being alive

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

#merica

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups