Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
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I’ve been learning to cook.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
pat pat
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣