Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.