Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.