Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
fair
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.