Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
You Might Also Like
Same pineapple, same
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks