Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
You Might Also Like
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here