Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.