Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
You Might Also Like
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.