Not today
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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
can you read it!!??
maan!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter