Not today
You Might Also Like
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Namaste
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
🤣😈🤣
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.