Not today.. 馃槀
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn鈥檛 paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it鈥檚 had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i鈥檒l let you go if you just please stop talking
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 馃槍馃挱
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
DIET TIP: don鈥檛 eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what鈥檚 your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?