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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
i was dropped as an adult
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…