Not today. 😅
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.