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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??