Not today.. 😂
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Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me