Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Family Celebrity

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Jokes on them. I took 10.

i wish i could marry a nap

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.