Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

🐦

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

termite twitter scares me

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.