Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Hot hot hot 🥵
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant