Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

My dog learned how to text

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.