Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented