Not today, today.
Not today.
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.