Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

that’s really how it is

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

I cannot stop laughing at this

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur