Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.